Not Ready To Make Nice

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHH8bfPhusM

What Now!

Can you believe this! I'm having more and more difficulty concentrating, can't think for second, have continual brain fog, even got lost driving around my  home town last night and felt disoriented.  I was afraid I would never find my way to where I was going. I couldn't call anyone because I wouldn't have been able to explain where I was. I am sitting here in my living room, it's Saturday. I'm still having a difficult time focusing. I can't seem to complete a thought. I even DID NOT recognize my OWN home when I got home last night. I was only sure it was my home because the garage door opener opened the garage door. But, then I panicked thinking it had opened the wrong person(s) door. I didn't recognize my neighbors house and I was afraid to pull in the driveway that I'd be pulling into someone elses garage!! I finally noticed and recognized a coat rack I have hanging in my garage and then I was fairly certain it was my house. But, still not positive.

I use to spend many, many hours at work. I am now barely able to make it to the end of the work day. Even though my body is there, mentally I'm wiped. Physical I'm scarcely able to stay awake. I can barely figure out how to open my grade book much less get any work done. When people are talking to me I'm having a hard time making sense of what they are saying. When I 'm reading a story to my students, I am having a difficult time making sense of some of the text.

My students and I get so tired by the mid afternoon we can hardly stay awake. My students complain of headaches. I get headaches. My students complain of stomach aches. I've been waking up in the middle of the night with incredible stomach aches, diarreah, vomiting, cold sweats, feeling like I may pass out from the stomach pains.  My eyes are blood red by the end of the work day. They burn. My nose burns. My ears ring. I have restless leg syndrome and I am so tired I can't do a thing. It is overwhelming for me to think of just doing a load of laundry or picking up mail from the table. What would I do with it?

Then at work the other day, people begin telling me how my room smells of mold. It has this horrible odor. Several people in a row one afternoon entered my room slowly saying the same thing. I do notice a large black stain on the ceiling above my desk.

Today, I researched some symptoms of mold toxicity. It turns out all of the symptoms I labled are signs of dangerous nuerological reactions to mold toxicity. The mold actually kills brain cells. I can't financially afford to take time off of work. What do I do? I'm afraid to go to work.  Not just go in my room, but to go in the building period!

Here's a link to the symptoms:

http://rantery.awardspace.com/black-mold-toxic-stachybotrys-mycotoxins.html

Some of the symptoms are:

Mental and neurological symptoms

Respiratory symptoms

Circulatory symptoms

Vision and eye problems

Skin problems

Immune system problems

Reproductive system problems

Tiredness and discomfort

Other illnesses and health problems

Boy this answers many a question.

BINGO!!!! The psychopath in my life disdains being alone more than anything on this planet.

"Psychopaths can’t tolerate loneliness. Just as all human beings can’t survive physically without food and water, psychopaths can’t survive emotionally without victims."

Wow a YEAR?

I can't believe it's been a year since I've posted!! Wow!!! Well a lot has happened. I've added a link to another blog I'm managing so if you are interested you can check that one out as well. It's a blog about people with borderline personality disorders, sociopaths and psychopaths. We use those terms sort of glibly when talking about someone who is selfish, or self centered, or even just emotionally immature. We use it to describe people who lie and so on. However, these are very real disorders and very serious ones with specific criteria to actually be clinically diagnosed. If you are in a relationship with one, or suspect you are - this would be a great resource go to to learn more about it. It'll save you years of heartache and keep your life from being torn to bits if you truly are involved with someone who has a bpd.

Living with Passion

Well it's been a while since I've put a chapter together. Today I'm home with the chickenpox and figured what better use of my time than to put together the chapter I've had in mind for months now. The focus of the book I'm working on is living successfully single. Being successfully single means finding a sense of purpose, meaning, and fulfillment while being a singleton. Typically find our sense of fulfillment, purpose and meaning within the context of our families and within the contest of our jobs. But predominately it's found within our relationship and in our role of husband/wife mother/father. However, when a person is single that opportunity to find purpose in those types of relationships is stripped away and/or absent. So how do you feel that need? I've found that I can satisfy this void by becoming passionate about my own life and finding ways to give of myself in other ways.

Passion. I admire anyone who is passionate in life about something. Nothing is sadder than seeing a person living their life without any sense of passion. In the past a lot of that passion I had inside me was directed at my relatioship with my boyfriend. In the absense of that relationship I was suddenly reeling trying to find focus for all this energy I had that needed a direction. The direction I pointed it toward was music. I had always wanted to learn to play the guitar and to sing. I didn't know how to do either but had always had a deep desire and longing to make music. While in my relationship with my boyfriend I tried picking up the guitar a time or two but since I hadn't yet learned how to play and had expected I would be making beautiful music within a very short time I soon became frustrtated and would give it up. My boyfriend also didn't enjoy my practice time and I was embarrased to play or practice in front of him so I ended up putting my guitar away giving up that desire.

Well, in the end I gave up said boyfriend and got back to my original desire, my guitar! I have found it gives me much more pleasure than my ex ever did. It's more loyal to me as well. The gifts it gives me will be and are more long lasting than any the previously mentioned person did. So, my advise to you is, pick up whatever your passionate about and hold on tight, it'll take you on a wild, amazing and fulfilling ride.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpO9MSEWpxc

Summers On

Well, I just got back from Arlington WA where I spent a wonderful week with Norman and Sue. Thank you for being such awesome host/ess! What a lucky niece I am indeed. I toured the EMP - saw an entire room dedicated to Jimi Hendrix which made me want to see his gravesite in Renton. I just purchased tickets to go to the Goo Goo Dolls concert in Dallas TX where I will also visit with my Dad, sister and brother. A great summer it is!

The Clan; Graduations, jam sessions, good times....

Mercy Me - Word of God Speak

Silence....is divine.

MEETING SILENCE

Be still. Breathe. Listen.

Life isn't about being smooth, it's about being authentic. Sometimes we get so busy setting standards for others, holding expectations for situations, others and ourselves that we create inner turmoil that clouds who we authentically are and what reality truly is.

Be still and breathe.

Underlying that need to control situations, people and what's happening around is fear. Fear of sitting with discomfort, fear of being alone, fear of emptiness, fear of not knowing what to do or say. This fear, if we allow it to live in us keeps us in turmoil and prevents us from fully living and experiencing life. Therefor it's important to become a witness to your own situation. To be still and listen to the fear. Introduce yourself to it, welcome it in, and embrace it so you can see it clearly, hold it and release it.

By being still. Sitting with the uncomfortableness, slowing down, sitting with the fear you allow yourself to obsesrve how it's controling you. You'll be able to soften it's grip or hold on you. Reflect on your motivation and you'll be able to find the source of your fear. It is your ego that holds the fear. Your ego is motivating the fear. Look through your egos story so you can see yourself undistorted and clearly. So much better to meet your fear, introduce yourself to it and send it on its way then to allow it to guide you off your path.

So, how does this all apply to living single? Well, it makes me think of how when we're single we often strive to improve ourselves to we can attract a worthy mate. We strive to become a worthy partner, so we can attract a worthy partner. All the self help books we read to become a magnet to attract a wonderful man/woman that we devour can actually send us off track, because all this focus on attracting the right person is motivated by fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of feeling empty without a partner to fill us up, fear of being alone and not having someone to care for us, fear of not "feeling" love or loved. To solve this we often fill our minds with all the self help books we can get our hands on geared toward helping us find a mate, which results in self improvement for the purpose of another. Improving oneself for the benefit of another is no longer about "self." It's again another form of doing and being what someone else might want.
The goal and purpose to improve oneself is to live a richer live and fulfill our purpose whether that is done single or in a partnership. The goal is to meet ourselves. To say to oneself "Nice to meet you. This is ME."

To find our authentic, wonderful, marvelous self is to get to the hear of "I", "Me." The goal isn't to "partner up" because this goal is driven by fear.  The goal is to partner with self. However, the outcome of finding oneself and being truly authentic to who you are will make you a person others will want to be around. It will draw people to you, friends and lovers. So, the outcome of living authentically will be that the man/woman of your dreams won't resist wanting to be in your company. But, it's not the purpose of being authentically you.

Being in a relationship may be my preference. Life IS richer when it's shared, there is no doubt about that. But finding a partner isn't my daily purpose. Finding myself is. Finding out who I authentically am and meeting her minute to minute, day to day is my purpose. The outcome of that may be that then others who are living their life authentically, unclouded and sharing themselves without masks will be drawn into my path. But the goal of being on the path is to improve my life, to get to know myself and find out all I can about who I am, not about who someone else is. God has created me with thoughts, interest, and desires. It honors him when I value and honor who I truly am.

For today, I intend to practice minute to minute, day to day, letting go of standards and expectations I may have for somebody, or something else and just be still. I intent to slow down, breath and listen more. I'll practice being silent and listening to my motivation. When I can find the source of my motivation, I'll be able to see myself more clearly and know if I'm acting out of fear or if I'm grounded in realness. If it is fear that is motivating me then I intend to greet my fears with arms wide open. Look them straight in the eye, smile at them, and give them a fine "How do you do?" I may even shake fears hand, hold it in my arms for a brief time, feel it, smell it, embrace, then politely nodd and say "ba bye" and send those pesky ole' fears off on their merry way.

How does this all apply to being in a toxic relationship w/a psychopath? Well, when I am living my truth. When I am allowing my genuine self to surface, I'll no longer be able to tolerate being in the presence of someone else who is trying to suffocate and stifle her. The need for her survival will be paramount. It'll be paramount over the need to "please" my partner. It'll be paramount over my need to be needed. Because both of those needs are driven by fear. My true self has nothing to fear. My true self knows who I am. She is fully aware of my gifts, talents, strengths and weaknesses. She will not allow harm to come to me(*herself). Her most important, in fact her only goal is to protect and sheild me from anyone, or anything that is attempting to extinguish the true light of love that lives w/in me. That lives w/in each of us.

In those moments when your thoughts drift to the "love" you thought you had w/your previous psychopathic lover/spouse. Look deeper into yourself.

Be still. Be silent.

Let your inner self come out of hiding. If she's frightened. Introduce yourself to her fears and see them for who they truly are.

Illusions. Illusions of nothing.

Be present in that very instant. In that very moment. What's harming you? Nothing. Memories of a lie that is trying to eat you alive? It's all smoke and mirrors. No such memory exists. It never existed. in the first place. Whatever it was you thought you found in that illusion isn't there. The love, the warmth, the smiles, the security you thought you knew during that time, was an imagery. It came from w/in you. Noone else brought those to you. It's in you. Now she's just waiting for you to let her out so she can introduce herself to you and tell you not to worry. She's got it covered. She has everything you need to meet your every desire. She is highly capable of taking care of you. Nothing to fear in her presence. She's strong, loving, adaptable, charismatic, intelligent, whimsical, capable, talented, and wise. She is you.