Time for a change

I've been looking at my Facebook profile picture and getting very depressed. I try not to be a vain person. I understand there is much more to a person then their exterior. Even so, we all to certain degree are guilty of judging a person by their appearance. I dont mean that necessarily in a negative sense. Well, may it is? What I mean is how a person looks, how a person presents oneself outwardly is an indication of how they feel inwardly. When I see someone with dirty clothing, unwashed hair, and a dirty face, I judge them. I may not judge them in the sense that I've condemed them as worthless because they appear disheveled. But, I have made judgements about them based on this appearance. I may make judgements about how clean or dirty their home is based on their appearance. I may make judgements that they are homeless. I may make a judgement regarding their mental state, or emotional well being. I may consider the notion that this person could be depressed, involved with drug addiction, any number of considerations would come to mind. If I see a woman wearing high heels and a dress I may make the judgement that she's on her way to work, or on a date, or to a meeting. My judgement would be depending on what time of day, and where I saw this person. These are the types of judgments I'm referring to.

If a person has a larger than typical nose, or small eyes, or narrow lips, or grey hair, these types of outward appearancece I don't judge. I do know I enjoy looking at an attractive person. If it's a person I know, I enjoy the vision I see before me when I'm talking or interacting with them. I am making judgements all the time. "I like her hair." I might say to myself. Or, boy his eyes are beautiful I may be saying in my mind. I may say something like "I like her hair better that other style, she's beautiful regardless, but her hair looks much better when she has it....." It certainly doesn't change my opinion of said person. I appreciate a person's character more, and above all else. I don't care about the exterior.

Nonetheless it gave me a sense of confidence about myself when I felt attractive. I feel beyond unattractive at the moment. I feel down right homely. I am not allowing my mind to remain in that state. Whenever I go there I redirect my thinking to something positive. However, I can't find anything, not one single solitary positive thing about my appearance at the moment. I feel unattractive in every single way. I feel overweight. I HATE my hair. It keeps getting shorter and thinner. Not because I'm loosing my hair, but because I keep going back to have it restyled in hopes that the grow out phase will be less painful. As misfortune has it, every time I go in for a restyle and "keep the length." I end up getting something thinner, and shorter namely because they've cut more layers into my hair, thereby making it appear thinner, and of course shorter. The theory is that layers add volume and lift. This is true. But, TOO many layers has the opposite effect. That is what I'm dealing with. I've been waiting since September to get beyond this grow out phase. Yet, here it is nearly Christmas and it's shorter than ever and this is the least attractive of all the styles. I can do nothhing about the hair situation, but wait. Wait for growth. Wait, wait, wait.

However, my body I CAN do something about that. I actually don't think my figure is too bad when I'm taking care of my body. I haven't been doing a very good job of that this past year. I've purchased a juicer, and stocked the fridge with fresh fruits and veggies. I've made several batches of great, healthy low cal soups. I've also increased my daily exercise. I'm giving myself 30 days to look better physically. The hair will just take it's time. But, the body should be back in shape in 30 days.

There are other reasons beyond vanity to take better care of my body. I'll address those in the next post "30 days to a new me." I'll work on that over the next few days. :D

What's a Girl to Do?

My poor dear ole' Sparky. He is aging. His bladder and digestion aren't what they used to be. He barks and barks to go outside. I take him outside and he just walks a block or two, pees, walks about a block more. Stops. Sniffs the same spot for a while. Stands there. Turns around and walks back home. 10 minutes later, he's barking at the door to do the same thing. What am I to do?

Soups on!

Cooking it up with Johnny and a bit o soup.

http://youtu.be/6F_A1Sr5584

 

Taco Soup

Taco Soup

1lb ground turkey
1 package taco seasoning
4 -5 tsp. chicken stock(or cans liquid)
2 beef boullions
1 can black beans
1 can kidney beans
1 can sliced black olives
1 can diced jalepenos
1 can stewed tomatoes (or diced)
1/2 cup salsa
Cheddar cheese and sour cream

Brown turkey, drain grease. Add taco seasoning and 1 c. water. Stir. Transfer to large pot. Add appx. 6 cups water chicken boullion/stock, and beef boullion. Add beans, olives, jalepenos, tomatoes and bring to boil. Add salsa and lower heat to a simmer. Serve with a dollop of sour cream and cheddar cheese.
It's that time of year again!!! It is soup yet?

Not Ready To Make Nice

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHH8bfPhusM

What Now!

Can you believe this! I'm having more and more difficulty concentrating, can't think for second, have continual brain fog, even got lost driving around my  home town last night and felt disoriented.  I was afraid I would never find my way to where I was going. I couldn't call anyone because I wouldn't have been able to explain where I was. I am sitting here in my living room, it's Saturday. I'm still having a difficult time focusing. I can't seem to complete a thought. I even DID NOT recognize my OWN home when I got home last night. I was only sure it was my home because the garage door opener opened the garage door. But, then I panicked thinking it had opened the wrong person(s) door. I didn't recognize my neighbors house and I was afraid to pull in the driveway that I'd be pulling into someone elses garage!! I finally noticed and recognized a coat rack I have hanging in my garage and then I was fairly certain it was my house. But, still not positive.

I use to spend many, many hours at work. I am now barely able to make it to the end of the work day. Even though my body is there, mentally I'm wiped. Physical I'm scarcely able to stay awake. I can barely figure out how to open my grade book much less get any work done. When people are talking to me I'm having a hard time making sense of what they are saying. When I 'm reading a story to my students, I am having a difficult time making sense of some of the text.

My students and I get so tired by the mid afternoon we can hardly stay awake. My students complain of headaches. I get headaches. My students complain of stomach aches. I've been waking up in the middle of the night with incredible stomach aches, diarreah, vomiting, cold sweats, feeling like I may pass out from the stomach pains.  My eyes are blood red by the end of the work day. They burn. My nose burns. My ears ring. I have restless leg syndrome and I am so tired I can't do a thing. It is overwhelming for me to think of just doing a load of laundry or picking up mail from the table. What would I do with it?

Then at work the other day, people begin telling me how my room smells of mold. It has this horrible odor. Several people in a row one afternoon entered my room slowly saying the same thing. I do notice a large black stain on the ceiling above my desk.

Today, I researched some symptoms of mold toxicity. It turns out all of the symptoms I labled are signs of dangerous nuerological reactions to mold toxicity. The mold actually kills brain cells. I can't financially afford to take time off of work. What do I do? I'm afraid to go to work.  Not just go in my room, but to go in the building period!

Here's a link to the symptoms:

http://rantery.awardspace.com/black-mold-toxic-stachybotrys-mycotoxins.html

Some of the symptoms are:

Mental and neurological symptoms

Respiratory symptoms

Circulatory symptoms

Vision and eye problems

Skin problems

Immune system problems

Reproductive system problems

Tiredness and discomfort

Other illnesses and health problems

Boy this answers many a question.

BINGO!!!! The psychopath in my life disdains being alone more than anything on this planet.

"Psychopaths can’t tolerate loneliness. Just as all human beings can’t survive physically without food and water, psychopaths can’t survive emotionally without victims."

Wow a YEAR?

I can't believe it's been a year since I've posted!! Wow!!! Well a lot has happened. I've added a link to another blog I'm managing so if you are interested you can check that one out as well. It's a blog about people with borderline personality disorders, sociopaths and psychopaths. We use those terms sort of glibly when talking about someone who is selfish, or self centered, or even just emotionally immature. We use it to describe people who lie and so on. However, these are very real disorders and very serious ones with specific criteria to actually be clinically diagnosed. If you are in a relationship with one, or suspect you are - this would be a great resource go to to learn more about it. It'll save you years of heartache and keep your life from being torn to bits if you truly are involved with someone who has a bpd.

Living with Passion

Well it's been a while since I've put a chapter together. Today I'm home with the chickenpox and figured what better use of my time than to put together the chapter I've had in mind for months now. The focus of the book I'm working on is living successfully single. Being successfully single means finding a sense of purpose, meaning, and fulfillment while being a singleton. Typically find our sense of fulfillment, purpose and meaning within the context of our families and within the contest of our jobs. But predominately it's found within our relationship and in our role of husband/wife mother/father. However, when a person is single that opportunity to find purpose in those types of relationships is stripped away and/or absent. So how do you feel that need? I've found that I can satisfy this void by becoming passionate about my own life and finding ways to give of myself in other ways.

Passion. I admire anyone who is passionate in life about something. Nothing is sadder than seeing a person living their life without any sense of passion. In the past a lot of that passion I had inside me was directed at my relatioship with my boyfriend. In the absense of that relationship I was suddenly reeling trying to find focus for all this energy I had that needed a direction. The direction I pointed it toward was music. I had always wanted to learn to play the guitar and to sing. I didn't know how to do either but had always had a deep desire and longing to make music. While in my relationship with my boyfriend I tried picking up the guitar a time or two but since I hadn't yet learned how to play and had expected I would be making beautiful music within a very short time I soon became frustrtated and would give it up. My boyfriend also didn't enjoy my practice time and I was embarrased to play or practice in front of him so I ended up putting my guitar away giving up that desire.

Well, in the end I gave up said boyfriend and got back to my original desire, my guitar! I have found it gives me much more pleasure than my ex ever did. It's more loyal to me as well. The gifts it gives me will be and are more long lasting than any the previously mentioned person did. So, my advise to you is, pick up whatever your passionate about and hold on tight, it'll take you on a wild, amazing and fulfilling ride.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpO9MSEWpxc

Summers On

Well, I just got back from Arlington WA where I spent a wonderful week with Norman and Sue. Thank you for being such awesome host/ess! What a lucky niece I am indeed. I toured the EMP - saw an entire room dedicated to Jimi Hendrix which made me want to see his gravesite in Renton. I just purchased tickets to go to the Goo Goo Dolls concert in Dallas TX where I will also visit with my Dad, sister and brother. A great summer it is!