Sunday, April 25, 2010
Be still. Breathe. Listen.
Life isn't about being smooth, it's about being authentic. Sometimes we get so busy setting standards for others, holding expectations for situations, others and ourselves that we create inner turmoil that clouds who we authentically are and what reality truly is.
Be still and breathe.
Underlying that need to control situations, people and what's happening around is fear. Fear of sitting with discomfort, fear of being alone, fear of emptiness, fear of not knowing what to do or say. This fear, if we allow it to live in us keeps us in turmoil and prevents us from fully living and experiencing life. Therefor it's important to become a witness to your own situation. To be still and listen to the fear. Introduce yourself to it, welcome it in, and embrace it so you can see it clearly, hold it and release it.
By being still. Sitting with the uncomfortableness, slowing down, sitting with the fear you allow yourself to obsesrve how it's controling you. You'll be able to soften it's grip or hold on you. Reflect on your motivation and you'll be able to find the source of your fear. It is your ego that holds the fear. Your ego is motivating the fear. Look through your egos story so you can see yourself undistorted and clearly. So much better to meet your fear, introduce yourself to it and send it on its way then to allow it to guide you off your path.
So, how does this all apply to living single? Well, it makes me think of how when we're single we often strive to improve ourselves to we can attract a worthy mate. We strive to become a worthy partner, so we can attract a worthy partner. All the self help books we read to become a magnet to attract a wonderful man/woman that we devour can actually send us off track, because all this focus on attracting the right person is motivated by fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of feeling empty without a partner to fill us up, fear of being alone and not having someone to care for us, fear of not "feeling" love or loved. To solve this we often fill our minds with all the self help books we can get our hands on geared toward helping us find a mate, which results in self improvement for the purpose of another. Improving oneself for the benefit of another is no longer about "self." It's again another form of doing and being what someone else might want.
The goal and purpose to improve oneself is to live a richer live and fulfill our purpose whether that is done single or in a partnership. The goal is to meet ourselves. To say to oneself "Nice to meet you. This is ME."
To find our authentic, wonderful, marvelous self is to get to the hear of "I", "Me." The goal isn't to "partner up" because this goal is driven by fear. The goal is to partner with self. However, the outcome of finding oneself and being truly authentic to who you are will make you a person others will want to be around. It will draw people to you, friends and lovers. So, the outcome of living authentically will be that the man/woman of your dreams won't resist wanting to be in your company. But, it's not the purpose of being authentically you.
Being in a relationship may be my preference. Life IS richer when it's shared, there is no doubt about that. But finding a partner isn't my daily purpose. Finding myself is. Finding out who I authentically am and meeting her minute to minute, day to day is my purpose. The outcome of that may be that then others who are living their life authentically, unclouded and sharing themselves without masks will be drawn into my path. But the goal of being on the path is to improve my life, to get to know myself and find out all I can about who I am, not about who someone else is. God has created me with thoughts, interest, and desires. It honors him when I value and honor who I truly am.
For today, I intend to practice minute to minute, day to day, letting go of standards and expectations I may have for somebody, or something else and just be still. I intent to slow down, breath and listen more. I'll practice being silent and listening to my motivation. When I can find the source of my motivation, I'll be able to see myself more clearly and know if I'm acting out of fear or if I'm grounded in realness. If it is fear that is motivating me then I intend to greet my fears with arms wide open. Look them straight in the eye, smile at them, and give them a fine "How do you do?" I may even shake fears hand, hold it in my arms for a brief time, feel it, smell it, embrace, then politely nodd and say "ba bye" and send those pesky ole' fears off on their merry way.
How does this all apply to being in a toxic relationship w/a psychopath? Well, when I am living my truth. When I am allowing my genuine self to surface, I'll no longer be able to tolerate being in the presence of someone else who is trying to suffocate and stifle her. The need for her survival will be paramount. It'll be paramount over the need to "please" my partner. It'll be paramount over my need to be needed. Because both of those needs are driven by fear. My true self has nothing to fear. My true self knows who I am. She is fully aware of my gifts, talents, strengths and weaknesses. She will not allow harm to come to me(*herself). Her most important, in fact her only goal is to protect and sheild me from anyone, or anything that is attempting to extinguish the true light of love that lives w/in me. That lives w/in each of us.
In those moments when your thoughts drift to the "love" you thought you had w/your previous psychopathic lover/spouse. Look deeper into yourself.
Be still. Be silent.
Let your inner self come out of hiding. If she's frightened. Introduce yourself to her fears and see them for who they truly are.
Illusions. Illusions of nothing.
Be present in that very instant. In that very moment. What's harming you? Nothing. Memories of a lie that is trying to eat you alive? It's all smoke and mirrors. No such memory exists. It never existed. in the first place. Whatever it was you thought you found in that illusion isn't there. The love, the warmth, the smiles, the security you thought you knew during that time, was an imagery. It came from w/in you. Noone else brought those to you. It's in you. Now she's just waiting for you to let her out so she can introduce herself to you and tell you not to worry. She's got it covered. She has everything you need to meet your every desire. She is highly capable of taking care of you. Nothing to fear in her presence. She's strong, loving, adaptable, charismatic, intelligent, whimsical, capable, talented, and wise. She is you.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
"I been in the right place but it must have been the wrong time I'd have said the right thing but I must have used the wrong line I been in the right trip but I must have used the wrong car My head was in a bad place and I'm wondering what it's good for I been the right place but it must have been the wrong time My head was in a bad place but I'm having such a good time"
This song is playing on my Comcast music station right now and it reminded me of a comment my coworker made today. She asked me what was wrong and thought I was unhappy. I asked her why she had that impression and she said because of my last blog entry. So, I thought I better clear up the confusion. I am not unhappy. I am doing very well! That previous blog entry was made on a day when I was doing a lot of soul searching to figure out why I keep repeating a particular pattern in my life that I keep thinking I've learned the appropriate lesson and won't repeat it. Then low and behold in waltzes a familiar stranger that I don't recognize. Only to discover soon enough I do know this stranger, all too well. I couldn't wrap my head around why said stranger keeps knockin' on my door and why I continue to open it and let him in. I think I have a handle on it now.
Lest there be any question I am very happy with the direction of my life. I love my new home, I'm happy with all the changes I've made for myself. My life continues to move forward and I continue to grow in areas I'm focused on. I have incredibly wonderful friends and family members who are always there for me when I need them. It just so happens when things are spectacular though, I don't sit down to "blog." It seems blogging typically happens when I'm settled quiet in my home contemplating, deeply thinking, and being introspective about something specific in my life that needs my attention. So, that's where that entry came from. Life's challenging for everyone some of the time. I just happen to blog about mine. But, no I am not unhappy. Just transitioning from "right place, wrong time", to right place, right time! It's coming! I can feel it coming my way! It's the right time, now I just need to find the right place to be.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Trying to get back to the days when I felt attractive. I felt attractive last summer when this photo was taken. So, I'm posting it here to remind me. Even though I was with someone at the time who didn't make me feel good inside, I felt great about the outside. This year I'm working harder at feeling great about the inside AND the outside. Today don't feel great about either. BUT, I am happy with the progress I HAVE and am making. Just NOT there yet. There remains one NAGGING issue that keeps haunting me. I so want to put it to bed!!!!!
I've been doing all the things I mentioned in the last post. I started the guitar club and did it faithfully for a month or more. Cancelled today just because so many different things came up. I'm thinking about changing it to Thursday evening when my guitar class is over in just 2 more weeks. I've been enjoying the class so much, I think I'll take another when its over, or I may start private lessons then. I'll have to see what happens.
A little sad today about my impending birthday. Turning 45. Well over middle aged and yet the things that I long to be successful at I'm not yet. I'm working really hard at most of them, not hard enough at others and some I'm working as hard as I can and seem to be slipping and not making any leeway whatsoever!!!
I'm glad I'm taking care of my body in terms of walking everyday, yoga weekly, (though I REALLY want to pick that up to 3x weekly), improving my guitar playing, bringing more life and energy into my home, improving the look of my home, improving my attitude, communication both personally and professionally, being more selfless while taking good care of myself at the same time. Taking a break from FB because it was starting to consume too much of my time and thoughts.
I plan to use that extra time to organize my home, write chapter two of my book, practice my guitar and do some type of aerobic, weight training or yoga at home. Boy, if I can do all that during my normal FB time. FB WAS TOO BIIIIGGGG in my life.
PS: If you still recieve these posts and no longer wish to, please let me know. I don't remember who is on my "post" list. I may cancel that list all together. I'll have to figure out how to do that.