Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Random Questions

"I'm out of work, I'm out of my head  Out of self respect, I'm out of bread I'm underloved, I'm underfed, I wanna go home
It never rains in California, but girl, don't they warn ya? It pours, man, it pours"

Not sure why those lyrics popped in my head but as I was contemplating the ideas I would blog about these lyrics came to mind. Random. 

  1. Why do cats always stick their butt in your face? My cat crawls up to me wanting attention. I begin petting her and she turns and sticks her butt in my face every time. I hate that!
  2. I'm considering getting a puppy, for several reason, I won't bore you with. I am partial to Border Collies. I want it to be a good companion for Sparky. I'd consider a Border Collie/lab mix. Does anybody know of someone who has Border Collie puppies?
  3.  How do you juice a pomengranate?  Do you juice the entire fruit, slicing it like a lime or lemon? 
  4. Do you have any good juicing recipes?
  5. How do you go about cutting down an arbivite that is about 15 feet high tearing my fence up?
  6. (This one is mostly for teachers) How do you cope with all the demands and stress of your job? How do you meet the demands of the district (assessments, PLC's, etc) and the demands of your students and the demands of your sanity all at the same time?  Do you, or have you ever just refused to complete some of the requirements of your job just to keep sane and remain teaching w/out sacrificing the needs of your classroom? I ask that last question because it is becoming for me at least, impossible, beyond difficult, but outright impossible to meet all the requirements of my job and still be able to teach. In order to teach I need, think time, paper work time, managing materials time, communicating with parents time, reading professional emails, reading professional materials, looking at my students work, thinking about their needs and ways to address them, looking at plan book ideas and so on, then planning lessons and preparing to carry them out so I can meet my students needs.
  7. To be continued.....

Monday, December 12, 2011

Random Thoughts

I'm trying to rest my voice because I've been battling asthma and intermittent laryngitis. As a result I have all these random thoughts spinning round my brain trying to find a way out. Plus there's no one here to hear my thoughts anyway.. Let me rephrase, no human here. Sparky would listen to everything that I have to say. It just doesn't quite take the place of a pair of human ears. So, I've decided to blog my thoughts. It doesn't matter to me whether anyone reads them. Nonetheless, having them out of my brain is helpful, blogging serves this purpose. Here I go with my random thoughts:

  • I love coming home whether I'm driving up the road to my home, or coming home from a walk with Sparky. I love approaching my house and seeing the Christmas lights all lit up. I love seeing the clean, manicured yard and know that pleasant feeling I'm having at the sight of this view is a direct result of my work and doing. It's all mine. It's because of me and it belongs to me. Makes me smile.
  • While I'm trying to type this, the cat (Sterling) wants on my lap and of course on the key board I'm using. Sparky is watching, JEALOUS! I feel like I'm cheating on my lover. Sterling is on my lap and rubbing her face in mine. Sparky is glaring with a death stare. He then tries to get in my lap as well. Sterling lets him know that's not acceptable with a serious and fierce "mmeeeeeeoooooowwww" in a low drone. Finally, I have to upset her even more which pleases Sparky immensely. She needs to get off my lap so I can actually get these random thoughts out. She does, begrudgingly - but she does. Oh now, she's repaying me by sitting in front of me and grooming her arse. Spectacular.
  • I think I should be an author and write my living single combo cook book. I am cooking up a storm now. Just loving being in my kitchen. Still can't believe this is my home. I  love this space. Cooking in it and filling it w/the smell of spices, and veggies frying and hearing the crackling of the butter and oil sparking in the pan is heavenly.
  • I wish someone were here to enjoy the lights and decorations with me.
  • I wish someone were here to have a gentle conversation by the fire while enjoying my roasted red pepper and squash soup.
  • Incidental , the soup or what's left of it will become roasted pepper pumpkin yam soup tomorrow. YUM!!
I know I have plenty more random thought rattling around the recesses of  my mind but they have decided to take a nap now that I'm actually sitting here typing. Sterling (cat) on the other hand is rattling all around me and my lap trying to get my focus and hands off of the keyboard so SHE can occupy my lap and get my hand's attention rather than this rectangular distraction.


All the above photos were taken in the last 12 months. At that time, I felt fairly confident in my appearance, while in my head admitting  and accepting my many flaws.  I was still able to appreciate the things I liked about my appearance, accepted the things I didn't like and worked on changing the things I had control over. Today, I'm grateful there hasn't been any photos taken of me. I dread the moment I see someone pull a camera out. I feel like a fraud keeping photos like these even visible, because they are not an accurate representation of what I look like at this moment, even though they are all fairly recent w/in a year. The photo with my shorter hair was maybe 6 weeks ago.

Can hair really make THAT much difference? I've had a string of bad, short hairstyles in the past 6 months.  Consoling myself with "it'll grow" at the same time working at releasing my vanity and accepting my appearance regardless of what it is, so long as I am taking good care of myself. Well, I haven't been doing the latter very well either. So, as of today I am starting a 30 days to a better me routine. Actually I began it in full force yesterday. I've been toying with it by trying to fit in daily walks more often. I do walk daily because I'm walking Sparky. But I'm referring to a longer more aerobic type of walking. With my diet, I've been extraordinarily careless about. That is about to change. I have a juicer, and a fridge STOCKED, I mean STOCKED with fresh fruit and veggies. A fruit bowl on the counter. A pot of roasted red pepper and squash soup that I made yesterday which will last me about 3 days to get through. I am determined to change the things I can. Aging happens. Can't help that. I'm glad for it as a matter of fact.  Where would I be w/out it? 6 ft under that's where. So, for every day that I age I'm ever so grateful. I will respect my body, soul/spirit, mind and emotional well  being on a higher level from this day forward. I've done a fairly good job at some of those, but the body part has been the most neglected. 

My goal? 10 lbs lighter in 30 days. So, that means by Jan 12 I'll be 115 lbs. Yes, I'm 125 lbs. Not afraid to admit that. Mostly because 125 is generally thought of as thin. However, those of you who are on the vertical challenge list you know what I'm talking about. For a person barely 5 "1" 125 isn't a healthy weight.

My second goal is to have my blood pressure lowered to a healthy normal rate. It's very out of sorts and dangerous at the moment. The medication for it, is having an adverse affect on my asthma and causing me great difficulty in just normal daily functioning.  I firmly believe this (blood pressure) can be controlled with an increase in exercise and in healthy eating, coupled by a decrease in processed foods and sugar.  I'm listing my "stats" today and will come back in 30 days and list them again. We'll see how well my 30 Days to a Better Me goes.

Weight 125lbs
BP 180/135  *Yikes!
w\bp meds it varies by typically 135/95. Better to have 135 on the top than the bottom number.

*I want to be off the bp meds, have my asthma under control, be eating healthier and craving healthier foods (I think the body reacts to whatever diet it gets and craves that thing. Hence the more I eat healthfully, the more my body will crave healthy food.)
*I want to be walking at least 5 miles a day, EVERY DAY!
*I want to be attending yoga classes at the gym at least 2x per week (hopefully 3!)
* I want to spend at least 1 day a week doing weight training. I know it should more, but I want to get these goals met first, then increase exercise goals.

***I just wonder how often I'll get to my music? It has monopolized my time for a while now. It's now taking a backseat. Everything has it's time and day in the sun. I think it's appropriate now for healthy balance that Taylor (guitar) remain in the shade for  a bit.

Time for a change

I've been looking at my Facebook profile picture and getting very depressed. I try not to be a vain person. I understand there is much more to a person then their exterior. Even so, we all to certain degree are guilty of judging a person by their appearance. I dont mean that necessarily in a negative sense. Well, may it is? What I mean is how a person looks, how a person presents oneself outwardly is an indication of how they feel inwardly. When I see someone with dirty clothing, unwashed hair, and a dirty face, I judge them. I may not judge them in the sense that I've condemed them as worthless because they appear disheveled. But, I have made judgements about them based on this appearance. I may make judgements about how clean or dirty their home is based on their appearance. I may make judgements that they are homeless. I may make a judgement regarding their mental state, or emotional well being. I may consider the notion that this person could be depressed, involved with drug addiction, any number of considerations would come to mind. If I see a woman wearing high heels and a dress I may make the judgement that she's on her way to work, or on a date, or to a meeting. My judgement would be depending on what time of day, and where I saw this person. These are the types of judgments I'm referring to.

If a person has a larger than typical nose, or small eyes, or narrow lips, or grey hair, these types of outward appearancece I don't judge. I do know I enjoy looking at an attractive person. If it's a person I know, I enjoy the vision I see before me when I'm talking or interacting with them. I am making judgements all the time. "I like her hair." I might say to myself. Or, boy his eyes are beautiful I may be saying in my mind. I may say something like "I like her hair better that other style, she's beautiful regardless, but her hair looks much better when she has it....." It certainly doesn't change my opinion of said person. I appreciate a person's character more, and above all else. I don't care about the exterior.

Nonetheless it gave me a sense of confidence about myself when I felt attractive. I feel beyond unattractive at the moment. I feel down right homely. I am not allowing my mind to remain in that state. Whenever I go there I redirect my thinking to something positive. However, I can't find anything, not one single solitary positive thing about my appearance at the moment. I feel unattractive in every single way. I feel overweight. I HATE my hair. It keeps getting shorter and thinner. Not because I'm loosing my hair, but because I keep going back to have it restyled in hopes that the grow out phase will be less painful. As misfortune has it, every time I go in for a restyle and "keep the length." I end up getting something thinner, and shorter namely because they've cut more layers into my hair, thereby making it appear thinner, and of course shorter. The theory is that layers add volume and lift. This is true. But, TOO many layers has the opposite effect. That is what I'm dealing with. I've been waiting since September to get beyond this grow out phase. Yet, here it is nearly Christmas and it's shorter than ever and this is the least attractive of all the styles. I can do nothhing about the hair situation, but wait. Wait for growth. Wait, wait, wait.

However, my body I CAN do something about that. I actually don't think my figure is too bad when I'm taking care of my body. I haven't been doing a very good job of that this past year. I've purchased a juicer, and stocked the fridge with fresh fruits and veggies. I've made several batches of great, healthy low cal soups. I've also increased my daily exercise. I'm giving myself 30 days to look better physically. The hair will just take it's time. But, the body should be back in shape in 30 days.

There are other reasons beyond vanity to take better care of my body. I'll address those in the next post "30 days to a new me." I'll work on that over the next few days. :D

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

What's a Girl to Do?

My poor dear ole' Sparky. He is aging. His bladder and digestion aren't what they used to be. He barks and barks to go outside. I take him outside and he just walks a block or two, pees, walks about a block more. Stops. Sniffs the same spot for a while. Stands there. Turns around and walks back home. 10 minutes later, he's barking at the door to do the same thing. What am I to do?

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Soups on!

Cooking it up with Johnny and a bit o soup.


Taco Soup

Taco Soup

1lb ground turkey
1 package taco seasoning
4 -5 tsp. chicken stock(or cans liquid)
2 beef boullions
1 can black beans
1 can kidney beans
1 can sliced black olives
1 can diced jalepenos
1 can stewed tomatoes (or diced)
1/2 cup salsa
Cheddar cheese and sour cream

Brown turkey, drain grease. Add taco seasoning and 1 c. water. Stir. Transfer to large pot. Add appx. 6 cups water chicken boullion/stock, and beef boullion. Add beans, olives, jalepenos, tomatoes and bring to boil. Add salsa and lower heat to a simmer. Serve with a dollop of sour cream and cheddar cheese.
It's that time of year again!!! It is soup yet?

Not Ready To Make Nice


Saturday, October 22, 2011

What Now!

Can you believe this! I'm having more and more difficulty concentrating, can't think for second, have continual brain fog, even got lost driving around my  home town last night and felt disoriented.  I was afraid I would never find my way to where I was going. I couldn't call anyone because I wouldn't have been able to explain where I was. I am sitting here in my living room, it's Saturday. I'm still having a difficult time focusing. I can't seem to complete a thought. I even DID NOT recognize my OWN home when I got home last night. I was only sure it was my home because the garage door opener opened the garage door. But, then I panicked thinking it had opened the wrong person(s) door. I didn't recognize my neighbors house and I was afraid to pull in the driveway that I'd be pulling into someone elses garage!! I finally noticed and recognized a coat rack I have hanging in my garage and then I was fairly certain it was my house. But, still not positive.

I use to spend many, many hours at work. I am now barely able to make it to the end of the work day. Even though my body is there, mentally I'm wiped. Physical I'm scarcely able to stay awake. I can barely figure out how to open my grade book much less get any work done. When people are talking to me I'm having a hard time making sense of what they are saying. When I 'm reading a story to my students, I am having a difficult time making sense of some of the text.

My students and I get so tired by the mid afternoon we can hardly stay awake. My students complain of headaches. I get headaches. My students complain of stomach aches. I've been waking up in the middle of the night with incredible stomach aches, diarreah, vomiting, cold sweats, feeling like I may pass out from the stomach pains.  My eyes are blood red by the end of the work day. They burn. My nose burns. My ears ring. I have restless leg syndrome and I am so tired I can't do a thing. It is overwhelming for me to think of just doing a load of laundry or picking up mail from the table. What would I do with it?

Then at work the other day, people begin telling me how my room smells of mold. It has this horrible odor. Several people in a row one afternoon entered my room slowly saying the same thing. I do notice a large black stain on the ceiling above my desk.

Today, I researched some symptoms of mold toxicity. It turns out all of the symptoms I labled are signs of dangerous nuerological reactions to mold toxicity. The mold actually kills brain cells. I can't financially afford to take time off of work. What do I do? I'm afraid to go to work.  Not just go in my room, but to go in the building period!

Here's a link to the symptoms:


Some of the symptoms are:

  • Mental and neurological symptoms

  • Respiratory symptoms

  • Circulatory symptoms

  • Vision and eye problems

  • Skin problems

  • Immune system problems

  • Reproductive system problems

  • Tiredness and discomfort

  • Other illnesses and health problems
  • Wednesday, October 19, 2011

    Boy this answers many a question.

    BINGO!!!! The psychopath in my life disdains being alone more than anything on this planet.

    "Psychopaths can’t tolerate loneliness. Just as all human beings can’t survive physically without food and water, psychopaths can’t survive emotionally without victims."

    Monday, October 17, 2011

    Wow a YEAR?

    I can't believe it's been a year since I've posted!! Wow!!! Well a lot has happened. I've added a link to another blog I'm managing so if you are interested you can check that one out as well. It's a blog about people with borderline personality disorders, sociopaths and psychopaths. We use those terms sort of glibly when talking about someone who is selfish, or self centered, or even just emotionally immature. We use it to describe people who lie and so on. However, these are very real disorders and very serious ones with specific criteria to actually be clinically diagnosed. If you are in a relationship with one, or suspect you are - this would be a great resource go to to learn more about it. It'll save you years of heartache and keep your life from being torn to bits if you truly are involved with someone who has a bpd.